It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
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My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
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90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
my proudest tweet
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Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
I’m tired tomorrow.
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
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Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?