It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
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CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
Livid.
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card