My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
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afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?