When customers come in 6 hours before closing
You Might Also Like
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP