Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
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My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.