The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
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the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.