My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
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My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
If snakes were wide
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
*watches the world burn*
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what