Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
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[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.