[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
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If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do