Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
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Sing it!
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
it’s a van. how do they not know this
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.