ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
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I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…