To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
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The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.