By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
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What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok