By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
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Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
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“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
Can’t. Being lazy.
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.