By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
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A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
Lmao
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
Stop sending me this shit.
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
Otters see a butterfly.
Those are good neighbors.
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally