what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
You Might Also Like
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water