What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
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There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
“OMGJK” -atheists
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on