I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
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“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
Now, where’s the sport in that?
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”