Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
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little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
congratulations to them
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.