Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
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My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.