I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
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them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
These dogs look like they have good credit.
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this