My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
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I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
This is painfully accurate 😅
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
This is my bus stop.
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.