*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
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[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
2023 was just a warmup
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se