One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
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Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO