every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
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The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming