ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
You Might Also Like
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
I was up all night reading about insomnia
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??