I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
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God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
I’m confused about plants
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.