And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
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The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice