Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
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No one girl should have all that power. 😂
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
A short story of betrayal:
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
No. He’s not coming out to play
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt