Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
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date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]