Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
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One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
The happy life.. 😊
How to woo a woman
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”