Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
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My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”