What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
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Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
Saw online –
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*