I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
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channeling her this year
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
Body by sandwich.
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.