Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
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I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]