Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
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My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.