They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
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can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.