Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
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Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Bringing home a sharpie
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”