biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
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If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
how to exercise your calf muscles
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
#Caturday
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.