My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
You Might Also Like
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)