me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
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Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805