The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
You Might Also Like
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
the greatest twitter interaction
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT