Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
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My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible