There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
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Always a metermaid never a meter
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
What the hell happened in there??
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges