ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
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*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.