My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
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Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
three things we don’t talk about
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript: