My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
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With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
No laws when master is gone
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler