I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
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“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
Mornin
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!