Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
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4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
Kentucky names the shit out of places
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get