Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
You Might Also Like
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob beeMason bee: just make house
Me: build a way bHoney bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortmentBumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.