*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
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EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy