Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
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Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
When you can’t find your friend Neil
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems