I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
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[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
technically true but not a great slogan
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.